I enjoy watching old mystery/thriller movies and crime
shows. There are some clever plot things happening in those classic capers, and
in episodes of “Law & Order,” “Mission: Impossible,” and “Columbo.” Most of
us watch these for nostalgia, but often find ourselves laughing when we see an
AM/FM clock radio, a rotary dial phone with an answering machine, or a tape
recorder. “This tape will self-destruct in five seconds…” Remember that? It
started me thinking about how some of those stories would need rewrites in the
current techno climate. Full disclosure: I am not poking fun at these movies or
how they made use of tech that was available at the time. This is merely pondering
“What if…?”
“Psycho” is one of Alfred Hitchcock’s most memorable
thrillers but if it were made today, I’d have one word: Yelp! If Marion Crane had
looked up the Bates Motel before pulling in for the night, she might have read some
complaints about the creepy desk clerk who worked there. She also might have
put off that shower until the next morning. In Hitchcock’s “North by Northwest,”
a New York ad man is mistaken for a spy, set up as the fall guy in a murder,
then chased halfway across the country while he tries to clear his name. Done
today, the nasty enemy agents would take his photo, do an online search, and
realize he isn’t the guy they’re after. The murder they frame him for would
also be captured on a dozen cell phone videos, thus proving his innocence.
In “Dial M for Murder,” the killer plans to strangle
Grace Kelly with a telephone cord. Has anyone seen a landline phone with a cord
lately? If you have a phone in your home, it’s probably a cordless model. Poor
Princess Grace would have to meet her demise by some other manner, like a good
old-fashioned length of rope. I have to laugh each time I see the camera equipment
Jimmy Stewart uses to spy on his neighbors in “Rear Window.” I realize those
cumbersome telephoto lenses were cutting edge in the mid-fifties, but it’s
still amusing to see them in action. Regarding the voyeuristic tone of this
movie, you have to wonder if the neighbors being watched would behave any
differently today.
A couple of con artist thrillers could make use of current
tech, but they wouldn’t be as good. If they remade “Charade” (1963), smooth
criminal Cary Grant would have an easier time getting over on naïve Audrey
Hepburn as he changes identities like some people change socks. If all he
needed to do was post a fake online profile when he springs a new name on her,
though, it wouldn’t have the same impact without his trademark charm that he
used to convince her. The same with the true story “Catch Me If You Can.” The
Frank Abagnale character wouldn’t be able to pull off those elaborate
impersonations if all someone had to do was run his name and likeness through Google
to find out who he really was. With today’s security measures, hopefully he
wouldn’t be able to impersonate an airline pilot and get through a TSA
checkpoint.
The early 1970s brought a slew of street cop movies
that utilized then-current crime solving methods. The mounting tension in “The
French Connection” came from watching the cops following the drug smugglers all
over New York City without the aid of cell phones or security cameras. It was
all done on foot and by car. At times they got careless and were nearly
discovered, but that just added more suspense. If they had used traffic cams or
GPS to track the bad guys, it wouldn’t have had the same effect.
That same year gave us Clint Eastwood’s rogue cop “Dirty
Harry.” There’s an intense sequence when he has to deliver the ransom money to
the killer, and the guy runs Eastwood all over San Francisco on foot, from one
public payphone to the next to be sure he isn’t being followed. It’s exciting,
but when was the last time you saw a payphone? They didn’t have Wi-fi then, and
the two-way communication system Eastwood and his partner used was about as effective
as a kid’s walkie-talkie set.
Think how the teen romance “Sixteen Candles” would look
now. Thanks to social media, Samantha’s milestone birthday wouldn’t have been
forgotten by her friends, and the whole plot would have been rendered moot.
“Sleepless in Seattle” would have a different look, too. Meg Ryan could search
Tom Hanks online to locate him instead of conducting a coast-to-coast trek to
meet the lonely widower from the radio call-in show. And I have to comment on
the cute-meet thing between Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman.”
He gets lost in LA, sees Roberts on the street corner, and asks her for
directions. GPS much, Richard?
The holiday favorite “Home Alone” would now have to
incorporate cell phone reminders, ringtone cameras, and home security devices
for realism. It wouldn’t be as much fun as watching Macauley Culkin outwit the
bad guys with kid logic, though. All of those teen slasher flicks like “Halloween”
and “He Knows You’re Alone” would now be anti-climactic, thanks to caller ID. It
kind of takes the suspense out of waiting to see who the mystery stalker is
when you could hit redial and harass them back, doesn’t it? And the weepy
romance “An Affair to Remember” would have a new outcome if Deborah Kerr could
have texted Cary Grant that she was running late for their date at the Empire
State Building. That way, she wouldn’t have been hit by a car while crossing
the street to meet him. Of course, this would have deprived moviegoers of the
opportunity to have a good cry at the ending.
I think this thing with modern tech has finally gotten
to me. I was watching an old episode of “Law & Order,” and the cops were
identifying the suspect by typing the blood found at the scene. Blood typing? That’s
the best they could do? I felt like shouting “DNA!” or “Check the security
cameras!”
Tim Smith is an award-winning bestselling author of
romantic mystery/thrillers and contemporary rom/coms. His author site is Tim Smith, AllAuthor.com
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