Sunday, January 31, 2016

Move over diamonds, I got a new best friend for you.

You know, having your fiance tell you that you can get off the IUD birth control because it made you gain 70 lbs, and you just can't take it anymore... is truly amazing.

What makes it even better?

He’s taking matters into his own hands, or rather… into his own balls.

He’s getting a vasectomy.


Right? I mean what’s better than not needing birth control, needing to worry about a pill, putting stock into pregnancy test companies, or worrying about going under the knife yourself?

WRONG! So, so very wrong.

It was amazing of my fiance to volunteer the knife to his scrotum, however… The waiting. The never ending WAITING afterward is killer.

Back in June he had it done, The day after he proposed, the day after Father’s Day - ironic, no? I took him in, sat there waiting for the Dr to call him back while on the TV talk show… they skewered and grilled up meat balls. ….

Yup, that actually happened.

Thirty minutes I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my man, my brave, brave man, to have this procedure done so I could take him home and baby the hell out of him. However, it wasn’t what I thought it would be. While we kept gel packs frozen for him, I didn’t see him much - if at all- for three full days.

He stayed in bed, shifting uncomfortably, ice packs on his nuts and heavily medicated for the pain.

7 Days, the doctor told him. 7 days and you’ll need to clear everything out. He was in so much pain it took him ten days. When he did that, all I could get from him was a big fat “NOPE”. He was afraid to ejaculate. YAY… not.

I already had issues with my man’s sex drive because of his prozac all but eliminating it. But then? To have a fear of it all together was torture. So, for a few days I took to the best friend.

His name? “B.O.B.”

The fiance doesn’t get jealous of it, or upset, because he encourages me to because he knows his drive is a hell of a lot lower than mine. I told him he needs to take it as a compliment because at least I’m still lusting after him. -- with the ex husband that was gone in less than a year.-- So, to the vibrator I took. And took. …. and took. Many times.

Then everything stopped for a while in July when I suffered a loss. We didn’t have sex until the end of August, this was after he’d given two samples, and we STILL hadn’t heard back on if he was cleared or not. Still had the IUD in at that point, so I wasn’t worried. It was hella painful for him, and I worried for the future of our sex life.

Mid-September, and I got my IUD out, still nothing from his Doc. I’m back to using good ‘ol’ BOB. A lot. Every night. Multiple times. All before he gets home from work so he doesn’t start feeling guilty, and I don’t feel guilty for not just being patient and understanding.

I started working in October, and finally we’d heard back from the doc, the local hospital send back saying there were traces of swimmers left. HOW after that many months is completely beyond me. Fiance is instructed to give another sample, but to take it to a different hospital - there’s three within 20 minutes of us.

Back to BOB I go. Then he starts seeing the Chiropractor I worked for for his neck. Well his hip had started bothering him, and stupid head - the Chiro- tried to adjust it. It was the flippin muscle, not the joint, and he really fucked shit up. Since November I’ve actually had sex ONCE. ONE TIME. and he was in so much pain I barely got anything out of it.

Debbie downer, right? LOL Just wait. Because I knew that I could take care of myself, keep the edge off. Lose myself in my writing, in books, hell, in PORN I looked up just because, dammit! I started feeling guilty because I was having to take care of myself so often, and then I came across this Huffington post article.


It goes through the list, and it all makes perfect sense to me. So I stopped feeling guilty. I actually started advertising to my fiance that I was taking care of myself. I was feeling good, I was happy and satisfied, and sleeping REALLY well!

And then you get to number 9 and oHH boy is that correct. If you can think it or dream it, it’s out there! What’s the internet rule for that? Rule 34? or does that just apply to porn? 

*Further investigation has discovered, it’s just applying to porn.*

Regardless of that, there’s so many things that we women can do to keep ourselves satisfied, even when our partner isn’t exactly getting the job done, yanno? Here it is, the end of January, and I’m still using up good ol’ BOB and not feeling the least bit guilty about it. Though, the motor’s kinda gettin’ worn out. Trip to the toy store? I think it might be a must do in the very near future.

Seriously, ladies, I know I’m not alone. Not on this blog. Let’s see, it’s been 8 weeks without real sex. 8 weeks I’ve been putting BOB to VERY good use. I think I’m working on a new record.

So tell me, what’s the longest you’ve ever gone relying strictly on BOB? I can't be alone. Right?

During the day, Jordan Ashley is a caring and compassionate LMT at her day job, Come evening, she is SUPERMOM, wrangler of children and multi-tasker extraordinaire. By night, she's an author who enjoys writing beautiful stories with a whole lot of sizzle! 
Follow her one her own personal blog here


Chris Ramion said...

First of all, kudos to the fiance for encouraging it!

Second of all, I like this post because it shows that everyone is human. Both men and women should be able to take care of themselves whatever the case may be. If a woman feels the need to take care of herself, then they should go for it. We're all humans, and if anyone says otherwise than they need to go out and educate themselves.

Fiona McGier said...

Probably between 6 weeks and 2 months, back when I was popping out babies. I had 4 c-sections in 5 years, so there was a whole lotta "down" time in-between them. Any kind of surgery, including my gall bladder removal a few years ago, and my recent hernia surgery, makes things way tender, so gives you pause. But a good way to know when it's "time" again, is when you begin pleasing yourself. That's when I knew I was recovered...each and every time.

Good for you, for having such an understanding man. I had an IUD for almost 10 years, back in the 70s and 80s...the copper 7. The only problem I ever had was increase cramping during menstruation. But it was an excellent way to not have to use hormones to keep from getting pregnant.

Of course, after my last baby was born, while they were "in there," I had them tie, cut, and burn the ends of my tubes. 4 is enough, so we shut this factory down. Never regretted it for an instant. I love my kids, but it's ultimately up to the woman to decide how many she wants to have. And it's wonderful when she has a man in her life who agrees.

Jordan Watson said...

Fiona - I am lucky that my fiance is understanding. I've even had him use my toys on me a few times. He knows straight up that my sex drive is ridiculously higher than his is. And it's either psychotic OCD fiance with a sex drive that matches mine, or calm and in control fiance with no libido whatsoever. I choose calm fiance.
And I had three kiddos when he came into the picture, and he never wanted kids of his own. When we had a scare a few years ago, it made him pause and actually think about if he wanted them or not. He decided no, and I was cool either way.
SO... he took the plunge. It sucks that he's hurting to much, because truly the new best friend is no match for a pair of shoulders to grip onto, HOWEVER... at least I've got the BOB! ;)

Tina Donahue said...

LOL - great article. :)

Jordan Watson said...

Glad you like it, Tina! ;) took me long enough to get it posted! LOL