Miss Havana waited patiently as the crowd gathered, uncertain of where she was or why no one wore clothes. Despite the men leering at her, she didn’t feel self-conscious—her beautiful face and flawless body had drawn ogles from rich and powerful men her entire life. They clustered around facing her--all sweating, all wanting. Despite the oppressive heat, she felt smug. She had controlled these men in the past and could control them now.
After what seemed an eternity, the odd-looking form upon the throne before them cleared his throat with sufficient force to garner everyone’s attention. “Now that you’re all are here, let’s get down to business.”
Miss Havana boldly stepped before the throne and cleared her throat in mocking tone. She did not cower. She did not stoop. She began by insulting her host, and then ridiculed the judgements she had witnessed while her group waited to be judged. The devil was intrigued by her insolence and invited her to judge the others in her group—all were, after all, responsible for her death and disfigurement when she lived. Despite common assumption, Miss Havana found revenge is best served hot.
The devil enjoyed the ironic depravity of her eternal sentencing so much he humiliated her multiple times, much to the delight of the gallery of creatures and demons above, all of whom showed appreciation by raining down feces, urine, and slime of all manner. Before the meeting concluded, Miss Havana was invited back to the devil’s lair—he was drawn to her like a fly to poop.
Thus was Miss Havana’s introduction to hell and the beginning or four outrageous paranormal comedy novels covering her exploits through many lives and deaths. Tag lines and blurbs for each of the four novels are provided below.
1. The Substitute -- A hilarious romp through the final days of Miss Havana’s life, her trials in purgatory, and her tormented afterlife with Lucifer. Witty and spicy, it leaves readers in tears of laughter.
Blurb: Miss Havana’s public persona was far from the truth. In her capacity as substitute teacher, the small community where she lived knew her as the breathtakingly beautiful young woman who demanded every student learn. However, in her private life, she raced through the lives of powerful men, leaving a wake of destruction and a deep desire for revenge. Little did she realize her conflicted life would end in a chaotic death at an early age, and to eternal conflict with the devil. Their child is evil personified, and the backstabbing and deceit between the King and Queen of Darkness drips with hilarity as Lucifer struggles to become the antichrist and Miss Havana works to subvert him. A surprise encounter with God at the end leaves the reader stunned and gasping for more.
2. Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! – Advice columnist by day and assassin by night, Miss Havana’s spirit considers herself the Angel of Death. She administers painful and fatal judgment until being brought to task by God.
Blurb: Having performed a single selfless act, Miss Havana finds herself on probation in heaven. After many missteps, she discovers she still retains the powers she had as The Queen of Darkness and realizes she’s on probation to keep her from joining forces with her daughter, The Princess of Darkness. The Brazilian, a large black man with a dreadlocks beard who waxes regularly, is her “guide,” but she ignores his advice until he’s taken off her case. Guideless and in a foreign environment, she consorts with evil spirits from her former realm, especially Waldo, a shadow creature so named because he’s so hard to find. She acquires a copy of “The Angels Guide to Earth,” comes to believe she is the Angel of Death, and returns to the surface as an advice columnist by day and assassin by night. She wreaks havoc before God intervenes for a final showdown, which might not be as final as most surface dwellers would hope.
3. The Training Bra – Miss Havana is reincarnated into the body of an 11-year-old girl. Her daughter, Lilith, and hubby, Lucifer, attempt to steer the little girl onto hell’s wide and wicked path while plotting against and usurping each other.
Blurb: An outrageous comedy that will leave the reader with aching sides. Starting as an innocent young girl, Miss Havana slowly creeps toward the evil side of life before being murdered at age eighteen. In death, she reconnects with her daughter, Lilith, the supreme ruler of hell. She is tested severely and then given an assignment that will lead to the enslavement of mankind. Driven by ambition, Miss Havana plots the overthrow of Lilith while expanding her knowledge of her former kingdom, especially relative to her interactions with three of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. She conspires with her ex-mate, Lucifer, to overthrow Lilith while appearing to following orders. Miss Havana regains her throne, only to be double-crossed by the conniving Lucifer, who introduces her to spiritual death the hard way. Instead of unending death; however, God intervenes for most unusual reasons.
4. The Trophy Wife – Miss Havana struggles to become the person God wants her to be while Lucifer subjects her to pain and misery at every turn.
Blurb: Lucifer’s rage simmers until he kills Miss Havana out of revenge, but God intervenes to save her. God places her spirit in a dying six-year-old child, who becomes a flawed but beautiful high school teacher. In attempt to destroy his ex-mate, Lucifer sends the Princess of Darkness, Lilith, to haunt Lily, one of Miss Havana’s students. Through the body of Lily, Lilith rains comical torment on Miss Havana. Natural enemies, Lilith and Miss Havana ratchet up the level of destructiveness as they discover more of their underworld power … until murder becomes the preferred option. Despite dips into horror and tragedy, the novel is a hilarious romp through heaven and hell. God continues to help Miss Havana, frustrating Lucifer and Lilith enough to char the pages. Miss Havana’s journey toward happiness is fraught with peril, but she finds inner faith and strength along the way.
Will there be a fifth Miss Havana novel? For that, you must wait and see.
Thanks for reading,
James L. Hatch