Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Advice needed.....



These covers are from my previously published series on sexy, pointed eared elves. I'm waiting for the cover on the last book, and will post it when I get it. For now it's titled Redemptive Pursuit 
This finishes the eight books in this series about  sexy, pointed-eared elves. I'm now in the process of writing a book for Xmas. It's about a handsome marquis who was engaged at birth to a girl he thinks isn't good enough for him. He really doubts any female is good enough for him. When he rejects her and declares himself free, he sets in motion a scenario  he'd not envisioned.

Here's an excerpt. Unfinished and unedited, but fun to write. Tentative title, Unrepentant Marquis,

"Jason Anders Dennison, twelfth earl of Derbyshire and soon to be Marquis Allenham, was well aware he was special. Now seventeen, his father lay dying in his bedroom.  Jason sat in the study, more delighted than not that he’d soon be a Marquis. Jad would not long mourn his father. He’d never forgiven him for the harsh punishment, beating after beating, when Jad had been discovered at thirteen with a buxom housemaid riding his morning erection to their mutual delight. His upright, religious father had been completely horrified. 

The accommodating maid had been dismissed, which Jad resented even more.  However, the other maids had already had reports that Jad was unusually well-endowed, and enough of them managed to find him in the middle of the night that Jad had not suffered sexual deprivation.
He was well aware he was one hell of a fellow.
Certainly he was far too good for the little girl who was his fiancĂ©e.  He’d seen her when compelled to attend her birthday party three years before. Affianced at her birth, she was then seven and hanging on his every word. While he’d felt it only proper that she worship him, he’d not been impressed by her thin, gangly frame, her awkward motions, and unremarkable features. True, she had amazing eyes. Brown with flecks of gold that seemed to dance, as well as extravagant lashes. Still, he was now in much demand for his impressive build and handsome face as well as his title. Before too long, when his grandfather died, he’d be a Duke. Yes, he was much too good for nondescript little Amanda Vandersham. 

It was completely ungentlemanly, but he had the social standing to pull it off. He negated their engagement, and declared himself no longer betrothed."
Do you think this is a good beginning.? At this point nothing is definite and I'd love your opinion!!!!
I'm looking forward to your comments. Don't spare the criticism, please.
Oh, and you can find me at Ellora's Cave, my website www.jeanhartstewart,com, Amazon, Kindle, and all the usual places. Twitter, Facebook, etc. Do give me your opinion...I promise to consider carefully every comment I get.

6 comments:

Tina Donahue said...

I loved it, Jean! He sounds properly arrogant (for that time period) and all he needs is a spitfire to smack him upside the head and bring him to his knees in love. :)

Nicole Morgan said...

I really like it! The small blurb you provided made it sound intriguing even without the excerpt. Way to go! :)

Nicole Morgan said...

I really like it! The small blurb you provided made it sound intriguing even without the excerpt. Way to go! :)

Tiffany K said...

I'm wanting to thank Nicole for posting about this over on her facebook! You are a new author for me, but I figured why not. This book sounds AMAZING. I want to read more and know about the characters.

Lana Baker said...

First, a nitpick: "Now seventeen, his father lay dying in his bedroom." In this sentence, the father is seventeen and dying. Not logical. Yes, that's something an editor/proofreader would pick up, but why not fix it now?

My own opinion only - he's already too full of himself for me. I don't like him. If he's your hero, and you start off making me dislike him, he's going to have to work even harder to win me over. And if I already don't like him, why would I bother?

Aside from that, there's nothing going on to draw me in, just a description of the guy sitting around thinking about his dick and his dad dying.

If you started at some point in the future, when he's more grown and in the middle of some trouble or other, and I can get to know him before or as I learn he's a complete jackass, I'd probably read more.

At first, I thought the Jad was a typo, until it happened again. You might need some sort of tiny mention why he's called Jad instead of Jas, since his name is Jason. Yes, I can see it's his initials, but why?

Yes, I am slightly intrigued to know how this hateful young boy becomes a romantic hero, but at this point, only slightly.

I'm still learning critiquing, so I hope that I've couched everything in a way that doesn't sound like I'm tearing YOU down, because I'm not at all.

P.S. I came over here from AC James' Twitter feed.

jean hart stewart said...

Wow, ladies, you are so great to take time to give me your thoughts. I will save these comments and refer to them as I write along. It's a fun story for me to develop, as I'm aware I've got to turn a heel into a hero. However, I think the heroine can do it. Thanks to all of you.