I ran across these actual headlines and they were too good to pass up. Enjoy!
Yosemite Bears Becoming Health Food Nuts. – Now they only stalk vegan campers.
Grand Rapids, MI says it’s okay for its citizens to be annoying. – Newark, NJ challenges them to a contest; Gov. Chris Christie volunteers to be the coach.
Washington, DC caught in massive snowball fight. – Final score: Democrats 3, Republicans 0.
Anti-gay marriage typo “A man for every man” causes uproar in Texas legislature. – “Brokeback Mountain” fans rejoice.
Man wakes up in body bag at funeral parlor. – “Honest,” his wife said, “I didn’t know he was just napping.”
Entertainment Weekly lists the 12 best things about the Oscars. – None of them involved the nominees.
Man caught having sex with ham and cheese Hot Pocket in convenience store. – In his defense he said they were all out of Ho-Ho’s.
Duke University co-ed says she’s paying her tuition by acting in porn films. – She’s already being recruited by several Washington lobbyists.
Amsterdam politicians post profiles on gay dating site to pick up votes. – Among other things.
Steven Spielberg considering remake of “West Side Story.” – This time, Maria will be a transgender male from a far away galaxy.
Facebook bans posts for illegal gun sales. – Those escort ads are still OK.
Boston court says “under skirt” cell phone videos are legal. – Still can’t wear Google Glass in public restrooms, though.
Staples to close 200 stores. – Someone hit that Easy Button too many times.
Army General claims he’s innocent of sexual assault charges. – Said his date misunderstood when he asked her to salute his flag.
Mark Wahlberg loses 60 pounds for movie role. – Most of it was ego.
Ashton Kutcher says one-night stands are gross. - Charlie Sheen gears up for another public meltdown.
Sarah Palin enjoys Winter Olympics from Russia. – Said she could see the whole thing from her front porch in Alaska.
Sicilian Space Program sends pastry into outer space. – Leave the rocket; take the canolli.
Khloe Kardashian buys Justin Bieber’s troubled Beverly Hills mansion. – Team of exorcists and drug-sniffing dogs brought in to do extensive renovations.
Norwegian men are great at housework, survey says. – Norway announces Male Domestic Goddess competition.
During tribute to Aretha Franklin, President Obama spells respect “R-S-P-E-C-T”. – When asked for a comment, Dan Quayle replied “Isn’t that how you spell it?”
Obama hasn’t paid Olympic ice hockey bet to Canadian Prime Minister – Blames Congress for not approving the bill he submitted for the case of Budweiser.
Canadian regulator tells adult TV channels not to skimp on made-in-Canada porn – Insists that all orgy scenes contain at least one hockey player.
5th graders served non-alcoholic beer in class – Lindsay Lohan was the guest speaker for career day.
Bulldogs raise money for the Citadel in “Beautiful Bulldog Contest” – Kim Kardashian files discrimination lawsuit.
Chicago River turns green on St. Patrick’s Day – It was actually green beer because the toilets at Paddy O’Ryan’s Bar were out of order.
Officers with lassos catch loose bull in Texas – “W” led them on one helluva chase!
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Tim Smith is an award-winning, bestselling author whose books range from mystery/thrillers to contemporary erotic romance. His website is www.timsmithauthor.com.