Saturday, April 5, 2014

Gotta Love Those Headlines!

I ran across these actual headlines and they were too good to pass up. Enjoy!

Yosemite Bears Becoming Health Food Nuts. – Now they only stalk vegan campers.

Grand Rapids, MI says it’s okay for its citizens to be annoying. – Newark, NJ challenges them to a contest; Gov. Chris Christie volunteers to be the coach.

Washington, DC caught in massive snowball fight. – Final score: Democrats 3, Republicans 0.

Anti-gay marriage typo “A man for every man” causes uproar in Texas legislature. – “Brokeback Mountain” fans rejoice.

Man wakes up in body bag at funeral parlor. – “Honest,” his wife said, “I didn’t know he was just napping.”

Entertainment Weekly lists the 12 best things about the Oscars. – None of them involved the nominees.

Man caught having sex with ham and cheese Hot Pocket in convenience store. – In his defense he said they were all out of Ho-Ho’s.

Duke University co-ed says she’s paying her tuition by acting in porn films. – She’s already being recruited by several Washington lobbyists.

Amsterdam politicians post profiles on gay dating site to pick up votes. – Among other things.

Steven Spielberg considering remake of “West Side Story.” – This time, Maria will be a transgender male from a far away galaxy.

Facebook bans posts for illegal gun sales. – Those escort ads are still OK.

Boston court says “under skirt” cell phone videos are legal. – Still can’t wear Google Glass in public restrooms, though.

Staples to close 200 stores. – Someone hit that Easy Button too many times.

Army General claims he’s innocent of sexual assault charges. – Said his date misunderstood when he asked her to salute his flag.

Mark Wahlberg loses 60 pounds for movie role. – Most of it was ego.

Ashton Kutcher says one-night stands are gross. - Charlie Sheen gears up for another public meltdown.

Sarah Palin enjoys Winter Olympics from Russia. – Said she could see the whole thing from her front porch in Alaska.

Sicilian Space Program sends pastry into outer space. – Leave the rocket; take the canolli.

Khloe Kardashian buys Justin Bieber’s troubled Beverly Hills mansion. – Team of exorcists and drug-sniffing dogs brought in to do extensive renovations.

Norwegian men are great at housework, survey says. – Norway announces Male Domestic Goddess competition.

During tribute to Aretha Franklin, President Obama spells respect “R-S-P-E-C-T”. – When asked for a comment, Dan Quayle replied “Isn’t that how you spell it?”

Obama hasn’t paid Olympic ice hockey bet to Canadian Prime Minister – Blames Congress for not approving the bill he submitted for the case of Budweiser.

Canadian regulator tells adult TV channels not to skimp on made-in-Canada porn – Insists that all orgy scenes contain at least one hockey player.

5th graders served non-alcoholic beer in class – Lindsay Lohan was the guest speaker for career day.

Bulldogs raise money for the Citadel in “Beautiful Bulldog Contest” – Kim Kardashian files discrimination lawsuit.

Chicago River turns green on St. Patrick’s Day – It was actually green beer because the toilets at Paddy O’Ryan’s Bar were out of order.

Officers with lassos catch loose bull in Texas – “W” led them on one helluva chase!

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Tim Smith is an award-winning, bestselling author whose books range from mystery/thrillers to contemporary erotic romance. His website is www.timsmithauthor.com.


Tina Donahue said...

LOL - Loved the Hot Pockets one. You are too funny, Tim. :)

Fiona McGier said...

Clever, very clever. If there actually were headlines like this it would make reading the news much more fun!

jean hart stewart said...

Loved them. Hard to pick a favorite.. Thanks for getting my day off to a great start....

Tim Smith said...

Thank you. The funny thing is, these were actual stories that I read online. MSN has a tab for offbeat news and that's where most of these came from. Sometimes real life is funnier than a sitcom.

Tina, I agree that the Hot Pocket thing was the one that had me shaking my head in disbelief once I stopped laughing.

Carol Guy said...

Great. It brightened my day.