Tuesday, March 11, 2014

More About Miss Havana

I think it’s just lovely that I get the whole blog to myself today, and I don’t have to answer to anyone. Let me start by telling you a little about myself. My name is Miss Havana. I’m a school teacher, twenty-four, blonde, and love the arts. Football, for example. Don’t you just love it when the little guy in the middle sneaks up on the big one bending over, and then all the other big guys run at them both to prevent God knows what perversion might happen. Sometimes they get the quarterback in the sack … sometimes not. I’m not sure why people pay to watch that, but hey, I’m open-minded.

I like teaching school too, but I don’t like students very much. They smell like dust. And that reminds me…sometime in the future I’d like to be a farmer. I already know lots of farm jokes. For example, why did the cow cross the road? That’s a hard one isn’t it? Because the chicken was on vacation, silly! Bet you thought the cow just wanted to get to the udder side. It’s also true that when one cow spies on another, it’s called a steak out.

Seriously, I know there are drawbacks to being a farmer, like all those messy animals. They are a little stinky, but I could install an automated cow wash. Besides, if I had a farm I would have all the milk I need. I’ve heard that bathing in milk will make me even more beautiful, so I left a note for my milkman to leave twenty-five gallons of milk on my porch. What an idiot. When he read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

He knocked on my door and, when I answered, he asked, "I found your note asking me to leave twenty-five gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

I said, "No, I want twenty-five gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look even younger and more beautiful." 

The milkman scratched his temple. At the time, I took his perplexed look as a compliment—like, would it even be possible for me to look younger and more beautiful? But no, that wasn’t it. He continued to look stupid, and then asked, "Do you want it PASTEURIZED?"

I must have looked quite puzzled myself when I answered, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes!” he started laughing. What an idiot.

Okay, I’ve got to get back on topic here. I wanted to give you an opportunity to read a short excerpt from my new book, The Trophy Wife. The trophy is me, of course. In this excerpt, the spirit of Miss Havana, the former Queen of Darkness, is pitted against Lily, who is haunted by the spirit of Lilith, the former Princess of Darkness—the child between Lucifer and Miss Havana. Several men have been enlisted to help Miss Havana put one over on Lily, and they are all electronically connected. Lily only comes to the speed dating event to embarrass males. She has no idea her natural enemy lurks in the shadows.
As 7 p.m. approached, Lily walked in like she owned the place, but not the Lily Miss Havana knew from school. This Lily looked like a hot adult woman. Her black sweater showed every curve of her svelte body, and her pastel pink lipstick perfectly complimented the light touch of blush highlighting her cheeks. Her shimmering hair bounced in silent rhythm with every step, and her Bossa Nova gored skirt moved with the sway of her hips like a lure before hungry fish.

Lily immediately spotted Terry and made a bee-line toward his table. Miss Havana heard Terry sigh when the beautiful girl headed his way. He whispered into his microphone, “She makes my mouth water and my feet want to run—she looks like I need another drink.”

Miss Havana tilted her head into her hand and earpiece as Lily threw the first punch. “I didn’t think they gave losers a second chance in this place.”

Terry smiled. “They must; you’re here.”

Miss Havana whispered into her mike, “Tell her you hoped she wouldn’t come tonight because her breasts are too small.”

From across the room, they could see Lily’s mouth fall agape. Miss Havana winked at Jackson, “I knew this would be fun.”

When Lily recovered, she pointed at Terry’s crotch…and laughed—a loud, mocking laugh that Miss Havana could hear clear across the room. Everyone looked first at Terry, and then they focused on his crotch. He flushed beet red, and Miss Havana whispered, “Tell her she seems particularly mean tonight, that the batteries in her vibrator must have gone flat.”

Lily’s head jerked upright like she’d been hit with an uppercut, and she fired back, “You should unzip your pants so your brains can get some oxygen.”

Miss Havana retorted, “Say her pelvic floor is a public chinrest.”

He did, and Lily jumped to her feet, placed her knuckles on the table and leaned into Terry’s glare. Their eyes radiated hatred for each other. Jackson whispered to Miss Havana. “It’s a good thing they aren’t armed.”

Lily hissed, “If they crossed you with a potato, you would be a dictator!”

Terry stood slowly as he retorted, “If you didn’t have a vagina, no one would speak to you!”

Lily growled, “You’re so boring your hand falls asleep while you masturbate!”

And Terry shot back, “Your diaphragm is a trampoline for dick heads!”

Miss Havana winked at Jackson. “See, they just needed a little encouragement.”

Lily and Terry snarled at each other and hissed epithets until a chime sounded, indicating they should change tables. Lily stormed off to meet her next victim. She slammed down on the chair across from Jake, who grinned wide and asked, “Bad day at the office?”

Lily yawned and flexed her shoulders, a move that lifted her breasts. “Just an encounter with a guy as useless as the ‘p’ in psycho. Sometimes I think the whole world hates me.”

From across the room, Miss Havana noticed Jake’s gaze linger on Lily’s breast. So did Jackson. “He’s just reading her nametag.”

Miss Havana waved her hand across her face in a dismissive motion. “Yeah, right.”

Before Jackson could defend his friend, Jake’s response crackled in their earpieces. “That can’t be true…the whole world can’t possibly know you.”

Lily’s innocent smile vanished and she pointed toward Terry. “Do you know that asshole over there?”

Jake shrugged. “Never seen him before, but shame on him if he upset you.” He reached over and patted her hand. “You’re here now and my only wish is that your most beautiful dreams come true tonight…and that you’ll find a place in them for me.”

Miss Havana leaned toward Jackson. “Oh, my God. He’s spreading the bullshit a little thick isn’t he?”

Jackson chuckled. “He’s been briefed. He’ll make her think he’s vulnerable, and then jerk the rug out from beneath her at the end. Turnabout is fair play.”

Even in the subdued light, they could see Lily’s exaggerated wink. She bit her lower lip as she looked Jake up and down and then drawled in a suggestive voice, “Ah, that’s sweet, but I don’t know if I can fit you in. I’m not free very often.”

A sly smile crossed Jake’s face. “Then I hope I can afford you; you’re so hot you could make the devil sweat.”

Lily leaned forward and rested her chin on her folded hands. “I came here to meet a nice man, but you might do.”

Jake’s eyes softened. His smile morphed to a yearning gaze. “That’s good news for me. I’m the kind of man who loves women I don’t deserve.”

Lily reached across the table and poked Jake’s arm. “And I’m sure you don’t deserve me.”

After several minutes of easy banter, with Lily leading Jake on and Jake doing everything he could to encourage her, he pulled a single red rose from a bag sitting beside him and handed it to Lily. “I want to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are.”

Lily put one hand over her heart as she took in the scent of the rose…and then glared into Jake’s eyes. “Roses are red, violets are blue—I have five fingers and the middle one’s for you.”

Without missing a beat at the turn of events, Jake answered, “Roses are red, violets are blue—I screwed your mother, and the ripped condom made you.”

Lily’s voice dripped venom. “Roses are red, violets are blue—I thought I knew ugly until I met you.”

Jake glared back. “Roses are red, lemons are sour—open your legs and I’ll give you an hour.”

Lily jerked straight up and jammed a finger toward Terry. “You liar! You do know that asshole.”

Miss Havana whispered into her mike, “Tell her the ugly fatty tissue around her vagina is her.”

And he did. Lily’s nostrils flared. She snorted and then hissed, “Your penis enlargement pills must be working because you’re twice the dick you were yesterday!”

Miss Havana stirred the pot. “Tell her the most irritating things about her pussy are the other guys waiting in line.”

Lily snarled back, “The only way you could make your girlfriend scream during sex is to wipe your dick on her curtains!”

Lily and Jake soon had the attention of everyone in the room. No one coughed; no one uttered a word. Jake grinned as he looked around at the wide-eyed faces staring back at him. He raised his shoulders and palms. “I suppose you are wondering why I called you here tonight. I just wanted to demonstrate the meaning of a whole roll dump. I mean, no matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow through the whole roll and have to flush twenty-five times in the process. It all seems a huge waste.”

Blank faces and dead silence reigned; a few people held hands over their mouths. Lily looked puzzled. When Terry snickered, Jake passed both his arms across his torso toward Lily. “That’s what it’s like to meet this woman.”

Thank you for stopping by. Leave a comment if you like. I promise I’ll respond.


Tina Donahue said...

Wickedly funny post, James! :)

James L. Hatch said...

Thanks, Tina. Miss Havana is wicked in many ways. She's the most fun character to ever pop into mind.