Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Trophy Wife

I have written three novels with the spicy Miss Havana as the tarnished hero. I have enjoyed writing the books because they are bazaar in almost every way, and they provide an outlet for humor like nothing I’ve ever done. I like to think of the stories as twisted humor, but I assure you the story in each novel will keep the reader engrossed and guessing at the outcome. The novels have consistently garnered five-star ratings, some of which are posted on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/James-L.-Hatch/e/B005CQB6E6).

The third novel in the series is currently in the edit cycle at Solstice Publishing. It should be available in the next six months, but I can’t promise a release date because the edit cycle is very protracted. The third novel is called The Training Bra, and that book follows the character of the first novel, The Substitute, in that it was written for humor alone and does not have an overriding social message. The second book in the series, Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana!, is written around a number of difficult social issues. It is dark comedy, whereas all other Miss Havana books are light comedy.

I currently have plans for two more novels, and am writing the fourth novel now. The fourth book is called The Trophy Wife. So far, that WIP promises to be funnier than The Substitute. So, for my blog on SASD today, I thought I’d bring a little humor into your day by giving you the first ever glimpse into The Trophy Wife. At the point in the novel where the excerpt is taken, Miss Havana and her friend, Jackson, are preparing to put one over on Lily, the eighteen-year-old girl in whom the spirit of Lilith, the daughter Miss Havana and Lucifer, currently resides (that means Lily is rotten to the core). Up to this point in the novel, Lily has been wreaking havoc on Miss Havana, who is one of her teachers at Redmond High. The excerpt describes Miss Havana’s first attempt at “real” payback, and Jackson, a part-time private investigator with access to the high-tech spy tools used in the excerpt, is helping her. Three of Jackson’s friends are also involved: Terry, Jake and John.

Ooops. Forgot to warn you. The following passage could be considered a little risqué by some (but not by me). If you might be offended, you can quit reading now and leave a comment to that effect. For the rest of you, I hope you enjoy the excerpt as Miss Havana and Jackson press their temporary advantage.

They laughed in high spirits all the way to Sandy’s Bar, and then settled in at their reserved table before the speed dating event began. Terry, John and Jake had already staked out numbered tables, and were waiting for the first round to begin. As seven p.m. approached, Lily walked in like she owned the place, but not the Lily Miss Havana knew from school. This Lily looked like an adult woman. Her hair was combed straight and seemed to bounce with each step, her lipstick was a dark shade of pink and her makeup even showed a touch of rouge at the cheeks. Without question, the girl was both fetching and desirable. Her tight knit black sweater showed every curve of her svelte body, and her Bossa Nova gored skirt swayed with each step like a lure before hungry fish.

She immediately spotted Terry and made a bee-line to his table and sat down. Miss Havana listened intently as Lily greeted him, “I didn’t think they gave losers a second chance in this place.”

Terry smiled, “They must; you’re here.”

Miss Havana whispered into her mike, “Tell her you hoped she wouldn’t come tonight because her breasts are too small.”

From across the room, they could see Lily’s mouth fall agape. Miss Havana winked at Jackson, “I knew this would be fun.”

When Lily recovered, she pointed at Terry’s crotch … and laughed, a loud, mocking laugh that Miss Havana could hear clear across the room. Everyone looked at Terry, and then at his crotch. He flushed beet red, and Miss Havana whispered, “Tell her she seems particularly mean tonight, that the batteries in her vibrator must have gone flat.”

Lily’s head jerked upright like she’d been hit with an uppercut, and she fired back, “You should unzip your pants so you can get oxygen to your brains.”

Miss Havana quickly responded, “Tell her the useless piece of flesh between her vagina and her asshole is a public chinrest.”

With that, both Terry and Lily jumped to their feet, placed their knuckles on the table and leaned into each other’s glare. Their eyes radiated hatred for each other. Jackson whispered to Miss Havana. “It’s a good thing they aren’t armed.”

Lily hissed, “If they crossed you with a potato, you would be a dictator!”

Terry retorted, “If you didn’t have a vagina, no one would speak to you!”

Lily growled, “You’re so boring your hand falls asleep while you masturbate!”

And Terry shot back, “Your diaphragm is a trampoline for dick heads!”

Miss Havana winked at Jackson. “See, all they needed was a little encouragement.”

Lily and Terry snarled at each other and hissed epitaphs until their time was up, at which time Lily stormed off to meet her next victim, pissed that Terry wasn’t as easy this time as he was last time. As luck would have it, she slammed down on the chair across from Jake, who grinned wide and asked, “Bad day at the office?”

Lily feigned a yawn. “Just an encounter with a guy as useless as the ‘p’ in psycho. Sometimes I think the whole world hates me.”

Jake glanced at Lily’s nametag. His eyes lingered on her breast. “That can’t be true … the whole world can’t possibly know you.”

Lily’s innocent smile vanished and she pointed toward Terry. “Do you know the guy over there?”

Jake shrugged. “Never seen him before, but shame on him if he upset you.” He reached over and patted her hand. “You’re here now and my only wish is that your most beautiful dream comes true tonight and that you’ll find a place in it for me.”

Miss Havana leaned toward Jackson. “OMG … he’s spreading the bullshit a little thick isn’t he?”

Jackson chuckled. “He’s been briefed. He’ll make her think he’s vulnerable, and then jerk the rug out from beneath her at the end. Turnabout is fair play.”

Lily winked at Jake. “Ah, that’s sweet, but I’m not free very often.”

A sly smile crossed Jake’s face. “I hope I can afford you; you’re so hot you could make the devil sweat.”

Lily leaned forward and rested her chin on her folded hands. “I came here to meet a nice man, but you might do.”

Jake smiled. “That’s good news for me. I’m the kind of man who loves women I don’t deserve.”

Lily reached across the table and poked Jake’s arm. “And I’m sure you don’t deserve me.”

After nine minutes of easy banter, with Lily leading Jake on, Jake pulled a single red rose from a bag sitting beside him and handed it to Lily. “I want to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are.”

Lily put one hand over her heart as she took in the scent of the rose, and then glared into Jake’s eyes. “Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers and the middle one’s for you.”

Expecting the abrupt turn of events, Jake retorted, “Roses are red, violets are blue. I screwed your mother, and the ripped condom made you.”

And Lily responded instantly, “Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought I knew ugly until I met you.”

Jake glared back. “Roses are red, lemons are sour. Open your legs and I’ll give you an hour.”

Lily jerked straight up and jammed a finger toward Terry. “Liar. You do know that asshole over there!”

Miss Havana whispered into her mike, “Tell her all that ugly fatty tissue around her vagina is her.”

And he did. And things went downhill from there. Lily growled in response. “No, you have it wrong. The useless piece of skin at the end of your dick is you!”

Miss Havana whispered. “Tell her she has a lot in common with a tampon—both are stuck up cunts.”

Lily spit on the floor, and then hissed, “Your penis enlargement pills must be working because you’re twice the dick you were yesterday!”

Miss Havana stirred the pot from across the room. “Tell her the most irritating things about her pussy are the other guys waiting in line.”

Lily snarled back, “The only way you could make your girlfriend scream during sex is if you wiped your dick on her curtains!”

Lily and Jake soon had the attention of everyone in the room. No one coughed; no one dared utter a word. Jake looked around casually, and finally said, “I suppose you all are wondering why I called you here today. I just wanted to demonstrate the meaning of a whole roll dump. I mean, no matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow through the whole roll and have to flush twenty-five times in the process. It all seems a huge waste.”

Everyone stared with blank faces, until Jake passed both his arms across his torso toward Lily. “That’s what it’s like to meet this woman.”

Lily flushed bright red as the bar exploded in laughter. She spit on Jake, and then stomped out the door, slamming it behind her. Miss Havana glanced at Jackson. “But John didn’t get a turn.”

He winked back. “John has been busy. He slipped out while Jake and Terry entertained Lily … and let the air out of her front tire.”

Miss Havana and Jackson leaned toward the window, listening intently to hear the outside sounds over the din within … until they heard a satisfying, muffled scream. Jackson shrugged. “I guess she found John’s little gift.”

I warned you it was racy. BTW, if you like this, please consider buying The Substitute and/or Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! as the perfect Christmas gift for those hard-to-buy-for people in your life. The books will cheer them up even if they are grouchy, and the books are much cleaner than a lump of coal.


James L. Hatch


Tina Donahue said...

Great series, James - hope your edits go by easily. :)

James L. Hatch said...

Thanks Tina. The edit cycle really takes its toll, but I am learning a lot from my editor. Someday, I hope I reach a level in my writing where the whole process gets easier.

Sarah J. McNeal said...

Soorry I'm late with my comment, James.
Edits may be a real pain, but I've learned so much through the years, a great deal of it from edits. My goal is to have a book with only minor edits.
I wish you great success with your unique series.

James L. Hatch said...

Hi Sarah.

I don't know how you keep up ... but I'm always glad you do. I am deep into the second edit round with "The Training Bra" now. I have a lot to learn. Editing is hard, but I will keep banging my head into the wall until I get it. It is slow. That's the most frustrating thing about it. It takes less time to write a novel than to get it through the edit cycle. I think editors must be as overwhelmed as the rest of us.

Thank you for your comment, and have a great Christmas.