Thursday, September 20, 2012

What goes through my mind during Yoga

I took up Yoga a few years ago, but it didn't work out for me. For some reason the instructor strongly recommended I enroll in another form of exercise program as she felt Yoga wasn't for me.

The nerve!

Okay, I may know the reason she suggested this and for the first time ever (so she says) gave me a full refund. I didn't mean to express my thoughts out loud, and it wasn't my fault a few giggles and laughter in the room disrupted the flow of the class. Hey, I can't control the reaction of people around me.

A few months ago, I decided to try anti-gravity yoga. Great fun until you injure your shoulder and are told to take up a less strenuous yoga class. I did love being upside down and pretending I was part of the Cirque de Soleil troop. However, I had to give up that class and at the anti-gravity yoga's instructor's suggestion, I now attend a Hatha Yoga class.

Hatha Yoga is all about breathing exercises, meditating and gentle poses.

Okay, I can do that. Easy stuff. Right?

Well, turns out, I can't quite master the: Clear your mind and relax part of this class.

Here are some of the things that go through my mind when we're supposed to be meditating.

Admit it, those of you who practice meditation and Yoga, you probably have these thoughts as well. Right?

Thinking, why do they call it Jay walking? Who is Jay? Makes me think of a Jay bird and as far as I know, you can't arrest a bird for flying through a red light.

Thinking of birds, who came up with, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Has anyone ever witnessed a bunch of chickens cross the road?

Thinking that I’m going to have to Google the synonym for synonym when I get home. Curious to see if there’s such a thing.

Cripes, did the lady next to me not read the sign in the gym that says: No scent makes good sense? I think I’m going to puke.

Wait, did I just say that out loud? Shit. Okay, I can cover this up. I'll smile and pretend it wasn't me.

Time for the downward dog pose.

They really should have a sign in this room that says, “Warning! Asses directly in front of you may be closer than they appear.”

I'm such a bitch.

Time to sit, clear mind and meditate.

If an orange is called an orange because of its color, why don’t we call bananas, yellow? "I sliced yellow on my peanut butter and toast?" Nah, that doesn't work. I get that.

Now, I'm hungry.

That guy's yoga mat smells like grapesScratch and sniff yoga mats? That's stupid.

Grapes. Now, I'm really hungry.

Major fail on the clearing of the mind, but at least I'm acting like I'm meditating.

Why do Pizza places promise to make and deliver the pizza in 30 minutes or less? Who wants half-baked pizza, driven by a maniac who could mow down an innocent bystander just so you can have pizza in 30 minutes?

Stop thinking about food! Keep pretending that you get this whole meditation thing.

Why do people say, "Little pitchers have big ears." I've never seen a pitcher with any ears. Kids don’t look like jugs. While I’m thinking about it, I really hate it when men refer to boobs as jugs. It’s not like they're full of beer.

That thought made me thirsty. I need to sneak in a water break. But then I’ll have to pee. Okay, back to clearing my mind and meditating.

Did the instructor just say, "Breathe through your legs?"

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Damn, I think I may have said that out loud?

Hmmm, maybe not. Instructor hasn't reacted. Unless of course her eye roll was her Yoga-way of telling me to shut up. Back to my version of meditation.

Why is it called buttermilk? There is no butter in the milk.

Stop thinking about liquids.

Why do they call the Mexican Fast Food place, Taco Bell? Sounds like it should be a phone company. What does a bell have to do with tacos?

Again with the food thoughts. Stop.

When someone says, let’s agree to disagree, but what if I don’t want to agree with that? How would you answer?

The mouth breather next to me is getting on my nerves.

I know, I'm being a bitch again.

Why do men hate asking for directions? Okay, I know what you’re thinking: "Dumb question just like the rest of your nonsensical stream of consciousness blog."

Bite me.

Did I say that out loud? Back to my relaxing yoga thoughts.

What time is it? Where’s the damn clock in this room? How much longer do I need to sit in this pose and breathe through…what did she say this time? "Concentrate on breathing through our toes?"

Seriously, lady, W.T.F?

Shit, I said that out loud.

Note to self: Next time place mat in the back of the room.

Yoga instructor getting up and tiptoeing toward me.

Uhm, yeah, now’s a good time for that pee break.


Selena is the author of the contemporary romance, WHAT A GIRL WANTS and the soon to be released, short story, TEMPTED BY AN ANGEL.

Genre-defying, witty, humorous, suspenseful, romantic and sexy— words used to describe Selena’s novels. A self-professed foodie and chocolate guru, Selena loves to dance with her dog, sing into her hairbrush and write in her PJ's. In love with her family, friends, books, laughter, hockey, lively discussions and red wine (sometimes all at the same time). Selena is a dragon slayer who enjoys reading and writing sassy heroines and hot heroes (the ones your mamma warned you about, but secretly wished she’d dated a few in her life).


Harlie Reader said...

You are braver than I am. I've always wanted to try yoga but I would be like you and talk during it. Okay, cuss throughout the session.


Tina Donahue said...

LOL - your mind appears to work like mine does - 'why do they call it jay walking? who is jay?' :)

Selena Robins said...

Hi, Harlie, you can join my talking-laughing-yoga class. I haven't started one, but I'm sure we can create one. LOL

Thanks for dropping by.

Selena Robins said...

Hi, Tina,

I still don't know why they call it Jay. I'm sure there's a book out there about useless information that may have the answer. LOL

I think a lot of our minds work this way, but none of those meditating gurus would admit it.

Fiona McGier said...

That is why my husband, who has been doing tai-chi with the same group of folks for over 10 years, tells me not to even bother trying to attend a class. He keeps telling me I need to "find the quiet place in my mind". I tell him that in that place there's a guy spinning plates...remember those guys from TV variety shows? Just when he gets all of the plates spinning on their poles, the first one starts to slow down and he has to run there to put some spin back on that one, then the next one, then the next...etc.

In other words, there is NO quiet place in my mind! A large part of it is occupied by whatever characters inhabit the world in the book I'm currently writing, so they are always talking noisily, letting me "see" their lives. When they are done, the next group starts to demand my attention, because it's such a cramped, crowded place in my head, they want to have independent life in a book, so they can live in other people's brains as well!

Sheesh! This is why I like author loops, because you are all nodding your head in agreement, instead of furtively dialing the "funny farm" while keeping an eye on me!

jean hart stewart said...

Loved your blog...funny, funny. My mind wanders as much but it's not that clever.

Selena Robins said...

Hi, Fiona and Jean Hart, thank you for stopping by and glad you enjoyed the blog.

I'm so happy to see I'm not alone about trying to find that inner, quiet place. There is NO such thing in my head. Too many characters taking up space rent free.

Adele Dubois said...

Fun post! Best of luck with your release. ~Adele