Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Guest post with Willa Edwards!

Ultimatums : Do they work?

We’ve all had relationships in our lives that aren’t working, that have some issues in them that makes them not as fulfilling as we’d like. Whether it’s your relationship with your spouse or significant other, your boss, your parents, your siblings, it’s a part of life (if you have never experienced this, you are one of the lucky few, and I’m green with envy). Sometimes we can talk to the person were having an issue with, and try to work it out, but when the two parties are incapable of seeing eye to eye, what other choices are there to solve the problem.

When desperation hits, some people grab for the ultimatum to get what they want. Do what I say or else. Maybe (probably in a better economical time) you went into your boss’s office and said give me a raise, a promotion, better vacation days, etc… or I’m leaving. Maybe you told your brother to drive you and your friends to the movies or you’d tell mom he’s been buying dirty pay-per-view movies at night. Or maybe you told your significant other, do this or I’m gone.

Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, encourages ultimatums, or what she calls Me-o-matums. She says after a certain period of time, you should turn to the person you’re with and ask them if they think the relationship is going in the same direction that you do. If they don’t see the same future, the one you want, whether it be with kids, married or just happily living together, you have to leave. You have to walk away so you can find someone that will give you what you really want.

In the end an ultimatum is a threat. An act of desperation. Some psychologist even claim that it’s the result of poor self-esteem, since you might be giving someone another chance to hurt you just so you don’t have to leave them (This is especially true in a relationship, but could be true in a job or with family. You’re definitely giving them the opportunity to fail you again, but you don’t have as much freedom to leave your family, or your job these days).

The only way an ultimatum works is if you follow through on that threat. If you’re willing to leave if the boss doesn’t give you what you want, or you’re willing to walk away if you spouse starts drinking again. And that is the reason so few ultimatums actually work, because following through on the threat is the hardest part. We don’t want to have to walk away from our loved ones, if we did, we’d just do that in the first place.

In my mind, ultimatums are never the solution. If the ultimatum is used in a relationship it shows a genuine breakdown of the communication between the two people (or the lack of it from the very start) and an inability to compromise, which is the basis of any good relationship. In a relationship you should be able to have an honest conversation about what you want and find some common ground. The same can be said for business associations, you should be able to have honest and straightforward conversations with your boss, or your clients, to improve situations or at least know the likelihood of certain goals being met (such as raises and promotions). If those are not to your liking then move on. Don’t threaten too, just do it, they always have the option of giving you what you want before you walk out the door. More than likely you won’t call in sick for your last two weeks.

While walking away might be the answer to some issues, I don’t think threats are ever the way to get what you want in the long run. You might get it for a short time, but it will always come back to haunt you later on. But what do you guys think? Do ultimatums work? Have you ever had one work out in your life? Or have you used one to disaster? I’d love to know.

In my newest release, Heart’s Ultimatum, Krista wants more from her boyfriend James. She wants love, commitment, marriage, and babies. And since he’s not getting it done, she knows what she has to do. Give him an ultimatum. He either steps up, or she leaves. But leaving isn’t so easy, especially when all she wants is to be with James. Here’s a little snippet from Heart’s Ultimatum to whet your appetite.


Krista Matthews has been in love with James for two years, but he's never mentioned commitment. After she plans him the ultimate naughty Valentine’s Day surprise, and he doesn't say those three magical words, she know it’s time to move on. She may be plushy and curvy, but she still deserves someone who loves her for all she is.

Wounded by the past, James Peterson became principal at a new school to escape his mistakes. What he never anticipated was meeting someone as amazing as Krista. She fits him in every way—except her need for a ring. When she dishes out a Valentine's Day ultimatum, give her more or end their relationship, all those old fears come racing back. Does James have the courage to face his past for the woman he loves? Or will he lose her on principal?

Adult Excerpt

The moist tip of his cock rubbed along the sensitive engorged lips of her pussy, stealing all her worries with its tantalizing brush. He teased and tortured her with his slow, methodical movements.

“I could never want anyone the way I want you.” His voice was low, primal, demanding, and her body surged with life from his rough words. If only he could say words of love instead of lust they could do this until they both were too old and gray to care who saw them.

Krista bit her lip so hard she tasted the metallic tang of blood on her tongue, but she didn’t care. She’d bite through her arm if it prevented her from screaming out, from begging James to slam into her hard and fast. She’d do anything to prevent herself from telling him again those words she desperately wanted to hear from his lips.

But she didn’t have to beg. It was only moments before James positioned himself against her slick cunt and slammed deep inside her. He plunged into her, so fast and hard it hurt a little, but it felt so damn good Krista feared she might pass out. He was so thick and hot and hard inside her, it overwhelmed all her other senses.

Krista leaned her forehead against the cool Formica countertop, needing to ground herself in the moment. Feeling too much like a hot air balloon filled with all the love she felt for James, the pleasure he gave her clouded her mind until she forgot the rest of the world. Her entire being focused on his cock buried deep inside her. His arms wrapped around her, right where they were supposed to be. Her insecurities floated away like smoke from a candle flame.

“How can you give this up, Kris?” he groaned into her ear as he pulled out of her and slammed back in.

She wanted to argue with him. She wanted to scream at him she wasn’t the one giving up anything. He’s the one who’d thrown in the lingerie, who’d sacrificed everything they had. But his demanding, dizzying rhythm stole her breath and her wits. She gripped the edge of the counter as his speed multiplied, his body slamming into her so hard, as if he wanted to imprint the memory on her mind, or his, with the physical act.

“What’s so important you’re willing to deprive us both of all this?” James bent his knees and slammed into her higher, harder, and Krista couldn’t fight the scream that escaped from her lips.

James leaned over her, pressing his chest to her back. His warm, sweaty body brought every nerve along her spine to life. His soft breath ruffled the hair at her nape. He threaded his fingers together with hers on the opposite edge of the counter while continuing to thrust into her, deep, demanding.

Krista let out a whimper as her eyes blurred with tears. Pleasure rolled through her, not just from the overwhelming ecstasy of each dig of his thick cock, but the sweet sensation of his fingers infolded with hers, his forehead resting against her shoulder blades.

“Tell me what’s so important you’re willing to give all this up.” He nuzzled her neck. He brushed kisses along her crown, throat, and shoulder as he continued to pump into her. His unshaven jaw scraped across her back, sending pinpricks of electricity through her entire system.

Shaking her head, Krista focused on the beige countertop, afraid of what’s she’d see or feel if she looked anywhere else. Arching her hips backward, Krista thrust toward him, needing to feel as much of a connection with James as possible. Their bodies moved against each other, with each other, until she could barely breathe.

“Tell me, Kris,” he demanded, pounding into her mercilessly. He slammed into her hard, hitting that spot deep inside that made her entire body quiver and melt. “Tell me why you left. Tell me why you’re doing this.”

Krista clenched her jaw tight to prevent the moan that burned her throat from escaping and to stop the chattering of her jaw as it shook with the rest of her body. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t ask him to say those three words. If she did, she’d never really know if he meant it or only said the words to end a fight. She couldn’t live with that doubt. She needed to know he loved her.

Buy Link: http://www.bookstrand.com/hearts-ultimatum

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Tina Donahue said...

Heart's Ultimatum sounds sooo good, Willa.

And I agree - your relationships shouldn't come down to an ultimatum. You should be honest from the get-go. If a guy says - "I don't want to get married. I don't want kids." Believe him. Don't try to change him. Move on and find someone who's more aligned with your needs.

jean hart stewart said...

Great read. I think ultimatums are risky, to say the list. There should be a better way to work things out,at least in most cases.

Fiona McGier said...

I'm with Tina. If a person is ready to settle down, it will happen. If a person is not ready, I don't think even an ultimatum will do it. And some women take longer than others. I never wanted to get married or have kids, in fact I'd run in the opposite direction when guys mentioned wanting to settle down...until I met the right man.

flchen1 said...

Very true, Willa--I do think that ultimatums are very much a last resort, and that you should only use one when you are at the point where you are willing to walk away. Because as you and others have said, there are other ways to work together more constructively...

Hope it works out for Kris!

Liz said...

sounds like a great book Willa! well done!

Word Actress said...

Noone wants to be coerced into doing something they don't want to do. I'm a free spirit so I don't like to be
pushed into a corner. But when I think back to the time in my twenties when so many friends, myself included,
were getting married, I never did it, if anything my guy was more ready for marriage than I was, but so many
women gave their boyfriends ultimatums - marry me
or else. It's no wonder there are so many divorces!

With family, it can be intolerable, because some situations really are unresolvable. Somebody wins,
somebody loses. Very emotionally riveting post!

Word Actress said...

Noone wants to be coerced into doing something they don't want to do. I'm a free spirit so I don't like to be
pushed into a corner. But when I think back to the time in my twenties when so many friends, myself included,
were getting married, I never did it, if anything my guy was more ready for marriage than I was, but so many
women gave their boyfriends ultimatums - marry me
or else. It's no wonder there are so many divorces!

With family, it can be intolerable, because some situations really are unresolvable. Somebody wins,
somebody loses. Very emotionally riveting post!

Vanessa said...

I agree that Ultimatums play no part in a relationship with a husband/partner.significat other. What is not freely given is worthless and is not a good way to continue a relationship. If a relationship isn't giving you what you need move on rather than force something which is not present.
I have only used an ultimatum once in a relationship (not a partner type relationship) which involved passive aggressive, dishonest behaviours to a point I wasn't prepared to tolerate anymore... It made me sad but I had to walk away and cease contact. More sad because the person had been a significant person in my life, which was probably why it had been forgiven as long as it was...

Stormie Kent said...

I thinks sometimes we word things as ultimatums when we really have just waited too long to ask for what we want and need from the other person. We have to learn to speak up for ourselves earlier. It is okay to ask for what you need and then walk away from someone if they can't or won't provide it. It isn't okay to hope they guess what you need and then when they don't, threaten them.

Janice Seagraves said...

I gave my husband an ultimatum one time--to stop lying to me or we were through. And I was ready to walk away. He never lied to me again, but boy has he been honest. Too honest, if you know what I mean.

*rolls eyes*