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Friday, January 27, 2012

How nutty are you? We authors have our share of gems!


A few weeks ago I did a luncheon talk. One of those sing-for-your-chicken events.
I wanted to do something different and not talk about my latest book, which I figured the other 3 speakers would do. (They did.)
I came up with a list of nutty traits of authors.
Bet you have one or 2 of your own. And of course, because each of us--author or tinker, tailor, solider, spy-- is goofy in our own tiny ways, I wonder if you have a trait that your family considers Ding-Dong. 
Here are mine: 
Writers are glamorous people.
We are obsessive, compulsive.
We don’t dare eat bonbons.  We’d weigh 500 pounds.
We’re lucky if we get up from our chairs to down a glass of water.
We work in our robes.
And our pjs.
(They are usually ratty. Please donate to your favorite author a new robe or set of pjs at every birthday and Christmas.)
I do love great French and Italian (expensive!) lingerie. (Pictured here from:  http://www.agentprovocateur.com )
We walk around with glazed eyes.
You can talk to us, we often don’t hear.
You know we don’t hear you. Why? You must repeat everything and ask us to regurgitate it later.

Also, please be warned: We are not neat people.
Our desks have no visible wood.
Our files are scattered everywhere.
We read so much, so often that we leave piles of TBR books everywhere. As well as on our e-readers.
Why? Because NOTHING is beyond our interest.

We can tell you at any moment any of the following:
If Napoleon died of arsenic poisoning. (He didn’t.)
Who King Tut’s father and mother were. (Aknaton and his second wife.)
Describe how a cow’s C-section is done.  It ain’t pretty.
How much an adult longhorn weighs.  1000-2500 lbs.
How to kill someone in a locked building without leaving trace evidence.
The differences between MI5 and MI6 and why exactly you should know this.

What’s more, we tell you these things often!
At dinner. At cocktail parties. During soccer or ballet class carpools.
Our children are filled with this stuff.
MY children call it: MOM”S USELESS FACTS.
Please note, all 3 of my children are writers. One was a poet. One is a filmmaker. The third writes for the corporate world’s CEOs.
All my children now spout their own interesting tidbits! Therefore, this kind of odd behavior is INFECTIOUS.

Where do we go for fun and excitement?
Authors go on great research trips…and if you belong to our families, you may come too.
What are they?
The Forensic Lab of the Texas Rangers in Austin, Texas.
Vineyards in Napa or France. Wine as education!  Where else could that be such a joy?
SHAKEPEAREAN FESTIVALs. Where one learns more going on those back stage tours than ever in a book. We learn how to make wigs and when and how period costumes are made.
We go to intriguing places.
BARCELONA and the 4 Cats where Pablo Picasso dined.
Venice and old cafes.
The creepy underbelly of rickety 12th century castles!

We authors never tire of this stuff!
What is your quirky little tendency? Any that affect your family?
Tell us!
And this is my latest release, out for Valentine's Day from Decadent Publishing with my TOYS-4-US buddies! 5000 brief words of love and scorching hot sex!

13 comments:

Tina Donahue said...

Awesome post, Cerise - I'm still laughing at the cow's C-section. If I had a nickle for every arcane fact I researched for my novels, I'll be richer than Bill Gates. :)

April London said...

LOL Love it! I get the eye roll when I mention some random, obscure and utterly useless fact.

jean hart stewart said...

love, love this column. I'm not as nutty as I thought. I'm just a writer.

Renee Vincent said...

OMG this post was awesome!!!!!

You are a hoot! LOVED this post!
And so many of them were so true for me. hahah

Luna Zega said...

This was a fun post! Glazed eyes and a caffeine addiction combined with a working knowledge of the Greek ferry system and how quickly a body decays in the arctic describes me to a T.

Tim Smith said...

Cerise, you nailed me and every other writer to a tee, especially the "works in bathrobe and ratty pj's" thing. I also haven't seen the top of my desk in years and I have a filing system Fred Sanford would be proud of.

My only other nutty thing is when I travel (yes, usually for research) I have this tendency to ask too many questions and somehow work the phrase "I'm a published author!" into every conversation. It really gets in the way when all the other person wants to know is how I'd like my steak.

Tim Smith

Delicious Romance From Cerise DeLand said...

Tina! C-sections can be a b*!ch.
Mine or a cow's.

Delicious Romance From Cerise DeLand said...

April, eye rolls R US!
Tell me a fact. Come on, gimme a new one. luv this stuff!

Delicious Romance From Cerise DeLand said...

Jean, hmmm. So. I know where you live. HOW you live.

Delicious Romance From Cerise DeLand said...

Renee, birds of a feather....

Delicious Romance From Cerise DeLand said...

LUNA!
THE GREEK FERRY SYSTEM. I am game. I know a hydrofoil when I see one and can appreciate it, but um...do tell about the SYSTEM!
(right. nuthing is beyond our interest.)

Delicious Romance From Cerise DeLand said...

TIM!
Fred Sanford is my idol!
For housekeeping, there is none better.
no. I do not want to visit to see your desk.
I squint, see mine and KNOW how good your's looks, buddy.

Fiona McGier said...

My kids have learned that when I'm cooking or baking and I have "that look", I'm working through a scene in my head and they are not to bother me!
And I'm probably the only one I know who values the occasional good night's insomnia, because the house is quiet and I can think scenes through without hearing music/TV/yelling/doors opening and closing!

As for useless factoids (like flammable and inflammable being the same, factoids can be patently false or true!), I have millions of them in my head, just waiting for a chance to pop out! I love anthropology, and have 3 nuggets of knowledge on the pupils in your eyes alone!